Dear Canada,

I know it looks like your southern neighbor has lost its mind. We’ve launched a trade war against you, dear friend, which means we’ll pay more for stuff like cement, lumber, plywood, steel and aluminum, thus deepening our housing crisis.

We’ve renamed a body of water the Hurons called “beautiful lake.” Great title, right? You may have noticed somebody down here has a thing for putting names on things, mostly his own. He even put his name on a memorial to another president, the Kennedy Center, and now threatens to tear it down.

While we weren’t looking, he demolished the East Wing of America’s House, claiming it wouldn’t cost us a cent, and now we’re on the hook for $900 million to build a ballroom nobody asked for.

He pulled the same job with the Reflecting Pool, which still isn’t fixed, to the tune of $16 million.

You’ll be surprised to hear that most Americans don’t care about pools and evening formal wear. We’d like to be able to pay for gas, groceries, college, a house, a trip to the doctor. Our government can’t afford to help its own people, but it can shell out $1 billion a day for a needless war in Iran—one with no clear objectives or end date—to stop a nuclear program that was “obliterated” a year ago. Our brave soldiers are dying along with thousands of Iranians, including 120 innocent schoolgirls, because Venezuela was an easy win.

It’s crazy, right? In 2015, when that man came down the golden escalator, we laughed. He was a punchline—a loser pretending to be a success on TV, when six of his companies went bankrupt, and dozens of others failed. The fact that he got elected—twice—is a nightmare we can’t seem to wake up from. He’s on his way to bankrupting us, too. Our national debt just passed $40 trillion, and he’s responsible for a quarter of it.

Meanwhile, his own personal wealth grew by $2.2 billion in the 18 months since he returned to office. Remember when he said being president cost him money? Yeah, he says a lot of things. Like calling you the 51st state. Sorry about that. It’s disrespectful, not to mention insane.

But that’s our life now. Instead of having a president who stays up late reading intelligence reports or working on programs to improve the lives of American citizens, our guy rants on “Truth” Social. He picks out tacky gold crap to bedazzle the Oval Office. He hatches plans to seize Greenland. This is the “very stable genius” who thought injecting bleach might kill COVID, so we’re terrified of what he’ll come up with next. And none of his cronies will stop him. They’re too busy getting richer.

Canada, please know that the majority of Americans still believe in truth, science, decency, and the value of being a good neighbor. And we love maple syrup. Most of all, we love you, and we hope you’ll forgive us for our rudeness.

Sincerely,

Your friends downstairs

P.S.: My grandmother came to America from Nova Scotia. Would it be possible to work out a deal for legacy citizenship? Might come in handy.